ACT 1
A narrow street at LUCIUS’ and TITUS’ shops which are seen as a backdrop of two large buildings next to one another.
SCENE 1
[LUCIUS and TITUS are standing idly outside of their respective shop doors.]
LUCIUS. So how goes your business, my good friend?
I’ve often heard that you’ve done very well.
So I hear you’ve had funds for bonuses?
TITUS [surprised]. Who told you that?
LUCIUS. Matters not who but why!
Indeed I’ve my ways of discovery.
I wouldn’t call it espionage, but…
Let’s just call it enhanced intuition!
Which still begs the simple question of why?
Why would you promise bonuses when you…
Well my friend, you’re not exactly solvent!
TITUS. Ha! You miss the point entirely –friend!
It isn’t a question of having funds.
More a matter of belief, it’s called faith!
If the workers have faith that you’re solvent,
Reality doesn’t even matter.
SCENE 2
[The PRINCE enters stage left with a lost expression.]
TITUS [ecstatic]. Oh kind, gentle and richly looking sir,
Oh how rich you must be, let me help you!
I’ve a feeling that I can help you much,
And much can you help my wallet, good sir!
PRINCE. In fact, I’m looking for an artisan
LUCIUS and TITUS. That would be me!
LUCIUS [jabbing aside]. You see my rich fellow,
You are rich, correct?
PRINCE. Well I am the Prince…
LUCIUS. Well then, I am in fact an artisan.
TITUS. As am I, however, I am the best.
LUCIUS. Well, perhaps the best at insolvency!
TITUS [to LUCIUS]. Lies, slander and sloth!
[to the PRINCE]. What’s it you need, sir?
PRINCE. Well you see, I’ve a dream of a ladder…
But a ladder which anyone could climb,
With this ladder one could get to heaven!
[LUCIUS and TITUS laugh together.]
PRINCE [frustrated]. Don’t you see! Anyone could reach heaven!
I would be the most revered Prince of all!
I would be the Prince of Princes, the king!
All would love me, and all would be worthy.
All would be worthy in my kingdom!
[TITUS whispers something in LUCIUS’ ear.]
TITUS. My good sir, may we have just one moment?
PRINCE. Oh! Most certainly, but I must first say …
[LUCIUS and TITUS exit through door right and slam the door.]
SCENE 3
[LUCIUS and TITUS enter from the door right.]
TITUS. Well, we have reached a decision, my liege:
That I would be the best choice for this job.
LUCIUS [surprised]. The hell we have!
TITUS. Oh! I thought it was clear.
Well, my prices are better, so…
LUCIUS. Are not!
TITUS. Well, ten thousand sounds fair, I do believe.
[The PRINCE ponders].
PRINCE. I…
LUCIUS [interrupts]. I’d say twenty, you forgot the wood!
TITUS. Hah! Oh yes, silly me! Well not really,
I’d say thirty. You forgot the labor!
LUCIUS. Oh yes and then there are the benefits.
It’s actually got to be near forty!
TITUS. Fifty, fifty must be it!
LUCIUS. No sixty!
TITUS. Seventy you fool!
LUCIUS. You are forgetting…
LUCIUS and TITUS. One hundred thousand!
TITUS. Now we can’t decide!
At least not by price, how ‘bout quality!
It’s obvious my work’s the highest grade.
LUCIUS. Well, just last week your scaffolds did fall down.
TITUS. That was to test the worker’s reactions.
What about your magnificent projects.
Like that upside down crux on the church roof,
That man’s too foolish to know which side’s up!
LUCIUS. Oh hush! That’s completely irrelevant!
This princely man will choose by our honor.
It’s most clear that my honor is the best.
Or at least better than yours.
TITUS. Oh really!
What about that bastard that now lives in…
[LUCIUS runs to cover TITUS’ mouth.]
LUCIUS. Now should I bring up your little schemes, or…
TITUS. You forget – friend – that I know all about…
PRINCE [interrupts]. Hmm, I think it’s clear that I must decide.
Hmm, not by honor, as you’re both scoundrels,
Not by skill, as you’re both incompetent,
And not by price, as you’re both charlatans…
Why should I go with either one of you?
TITUS. Oh but you must chose one of us, my liege.
I’m not sure if you’ve heard but times are tough.
This town is on the verge of collapse and,
We really must have your kind patronage.
You see, some people are going bankrupt.
It’s really a complicated mess but…
LUCIUS [interrupts exuberantly]. I am insolvent too!
TITUS. And you mocked me!?
LUCIUS. Well, it was better known that you were broke…
You employ fewer laborers than I…
Oh I beg you, your majesty, please choose!
There’d be a crisis, like we’ve never seen!
I employ half the town, if I fail, well.
I’d say that we’d have some riots amok.
TITUS. And if I fail, then who would buy supplies?
The whole raw materials industry!
Oh my, my! It would be no more! Kaput!
LUCIUS. Yes, sir do you want that type of crisis?
Do you really want the town to collapse?
PRINCE. Well, it seems as though I must make a choice.
I will order from both of you, and then,
He who completes the ladder the fastest,
The most graceful, elegant, and stable,
Will receive all the rest of my money.
I will give you both a hundred thousand.
That is the price we decided, correct?
LUCIUS and TITUS [grinningly]. Yes!
PRINCE. Well good, then we’ve reached a decision.
[LUCIUS and TITUS go to shake hands with the PRINCE and then they all exit stage right.]
ACT 2
A workshop with a staircase and a second floor partially visible, with equipment about.
SCENE 1
[The LABORERS are scattered about the shop standing in almost idle fashion as they work on extremely simple tasks. LUCIUS is standing on the second floor surveying in a proud manner. There is no pile of lumber in sight.]
LUCIUS [commanding]. Prince Ambiorix will soon arrive! Work!
Look! Work hard or hardly work, I don’t care.
Just make it look as though you are working.
[The PRINCE enters stage left.]
PRINCE [astonished]. I see you have the crew up and about.
I knew this would be a good decision,
And this way I can monitor you both,
I might just end up with two great ladders.
Then when one breaks, I’ll have another one.
Oh competition is such a great thing!
But what’s this? I don’t see any lumber.
LUCIUS. Oh really? Hmm, that’s odd, neither do I!
[Picks up an old wood piece.]
LUCIUS. I have found some. Here! Worker, come take this!
[A LABORER comes up to retrieve the old piece of wood.]
PRINCE [sighing]. This will never work, where is all the wood?
I gave you the money, now where’s the wood?
LUCIUS. Oh yes! Well, you see what had happened was…
These laborers, they’re always so greedy!
They wanted to get paid for the last month.
I told them how vital this project was!
But they didn’t listen, they kept saying,
“But we need to eat, we need to pay rent!”
Blah, blah, blah! Nope, they don’t care about you!
Not like I do, and that’s why you got me!
It’s just that I need a ‘lil more money.
And that’s it, just enough to get some wood.
PRINCE. I gave you a hundred thousand pieces!
LUCIUS. Oh I know, and that was more than enough.
‘Nuff for the wood, but these workers, I swear.
Sure, I could fire them, but they might riot.
PRINCE [sighing]. Fine! Go right now and buy wood with this.
[LUCIUS goes downstairs and exits stage right. The PRINCE observes the LABORERS.]
SCENE 2
[TITUS is sitting at a desk going through papers, there are huge piles of wood and supplies scattered about the workshop. The PRINCE enters stage left.]
PRINCE [shocked]. Well at least one of you had some good sense!
This is plenty to build my great ladder!
Well I’m really glad I did it this way.
You know, I knew one of you would pull through.
That’s why I believe in competition.
But wait, where are all of your workers at?
TITUS. Oh yes! Well, you see what had happened was…
I took the money and spent it on wood.
As you can clearly see, but there’s this thing.
I told the workers they’d get bonuses.
PRINCE. What!? Why would you do something so foolish!?
TITUS. Unlike Lucius, I don’t have half the town,
I had to give what workers I did have,
Some type of incentive to keep working.
And there were rumors that I was ruined.
But if I promised them all bonuses,
Then they’d know that I still had some money!
PRINCE. But you are ruined! And now they won’t work?
TITUS. Exactly! I told them about the job!
And I told them how important it was.
They said they’d work if I paid it to them.
But I thought that was a stupid idea.
So I just went out and spent it on wood…
‘Cept now, I don’t have any laborers.
You know, if you gave me some more money,
I could use that to give them bonuses!
Then they would start working on the ladder.
PRINCE. Fine! Take this and pay them what you owe ‘em.
[TITUS exits stage right with the money.]
SCENE 3
[The PRINCE is sitting at the desk going through an accounting book.]
PRINCE. Let’s see, that’s two hundred and forty-three.
Hmm, then there’s another fifty thousand.
That’s ‘bout three times as much as one order!
My God, I’ve spent way too much already.
I’ve yet to see one piece of work produced!
The crooks! The dirty scoundrels!
[TITUS enters stage right.]
TITUS. I’ve returned!
PRINCE. Well good, I was just talking about you.
Go get Lucius and tell him to come here.
TITUS. Yes your majesty! Ok I will go soon!
PRINCE. No you will go now!
TITUS. Oh yes but of course.
[TITUS exits stage left. The PRINCE gets up from the desk and paces around]
PRINCE. I swear, the incompetence is unreal!
[LUCIUS enters stage left.]
LUCIUS. Titus said that you wanted to see me?
PRINCE [sighing]. Ugh! Yes but I wanted to see him too!
Go back and tell him to come here with you.
[LUCIUS exits stage left. The PRINCE returns to his desk and goes over the papers.]
PRINCE. Three hundred thousand pieces, that’s enough.
No more, not a single ounce of gold more.
Not for these incompetent idiots.
[LUCIUS and TITUS enter stage left.]
TITUS. Sorry your majesty I thought you just…
Well it doesn’t matter now does it? Well?
PRINCE. Listen, I have spent three times one order.
I have yet to see any real work done.
You have ‘til the next moon to complete it.
If you haven’t, I’ll reclaim both of you.
Do you understand that?
LUCIUS and TITUS. Oh yes my liege!
LUCIUS. I’m so very close to starting.
TITUS. Me too!
LUCIUS. However, I need a ‘lil more money.
TITUS. Me too, see they wanted interest and…
LUCIUS. Right now you really can’t afford not to.
TITUS. Yes ‘cause that’s a lot of money wasted.
I mean that if we went under and all.
It’s the ‘ol belly up, face up, bankrupt.
That sure is a lot of money to waste.
PRINCE. I will give you, twenty more a piece, but,
Agree to have it done by the full moon!
Then and only then you’ll have your money.
LUCIUS and TITUS. We agree! Your majesty is most kind!
[LUCIUS and TITUS go to retrieve the money from the PRINCE and then exit stage left. The PRINCE goes back to his accounting books.]
PRINCE. Alright, that’s another forty, which makes…
Three hundred thirty-three thousand pieces!
That’s roughly my entire treasury!
Something must be done, but what could I do?
I can’t back out, it’s not possible now.
All of my money would be lost in vain.
Maybe… Maybe I could make fake money.
As long as no one knows, who will it hurt?
Yes, it will work! It will be so easy!
Then I can pay them as much as they need!
ACT 3
A work site area with two large scaffolds next to one another seen in the background.
SCENE 1
[LUCIUS and TITUS are off to the side chatting to one another as they watch the LABORERS work on the projects.]
LUCIUS. Isn’t this great? This could go forever.
We’ll never get to heaven, no one could.
You know what, we shouldn’t rush though.
TITUS. You’re right!
LUCIUS. If this is going to take forever,
We could make it take a little longer.
TITUS. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
LUCIUS. Oh yea!
TITUS. One yard higher each day, not an inch more!
LUCIUS. That’s perfectly reasonable to me.
But what about the time limit?
TITUS. So what?
We just have to tell him we need more time.
He realizes he has too much to lose.
He can’t let us quit!
LUCIUS. I sure don’t want to quit.
TITUS. Good neither do I, not when it’s this good!
LUCIUS. I’d no idea the man was full of gold.
TITUS. Well I did, he looked rich, all arrogant.
You know the type.
LUCIUS. Of course, we’re the type now!
SCENE 2
[LUCIUS is pacing back and forth through the worksite.]
LUCIUS. These damn workers, they keep asking for more!
And all these people do is whine! Whine! Whine!
Almighty! I’m drunk from all of their wine.
[Enter LABORER stage right.]
LABORER. On behalf of the men, I’ve come to you.
We demand a pay raise, or we all quit.
A thousand barely buys us a loaf now.
We just can’t live on these meager wages!
LUCIUS. I can’t live with your incessant complaints!
LABORER. You have our demands.
[Exit LABORER with fury stage right. Enter TITUS stage right.]
TITUS. So what was he all uppity about?
LUCIUS. They want more money! I just don’t get it.
We gave them a pay raise last week and now…
TITUS. Who cares, we can just tack it on the list.
And make ‘ol Ambiorix pay us more.
LUCIUS [laughs]. Yea, I guess the real loser is the Prince.
SCENE 3
[The PRINCE is searching the worksite but only a few tired and wary LABORERS are there sleeping on the scaffolds. There are thousands of worthless coins scattered throughout the whole worksite.]
PRINCE. Jesus! Where are those incompetent fools!
It’s the full moon and this isn’t done yet!
I swear I’ll have their heads for this! Just wait…
[Enter the MOB. The PRINCE runs to hide behind a bush next to the scaffolds. The MOB has LUCIUS and TITUS tied up. They construct a make-shift gallows between the two worksites where they mount the nooses.]
MOB. Death to the money manipulators!
Death to the money manipulators!
[The MOB put LUCIUS and TITUS through the noose.]
LUCIUS. My God Titus, how did it come to this?
TITUS. Because you lied about being insolvent.
LUCIUS. Well you did it first.
TITUS. Yea well I had to.
Look I’m not the one we should be blaming.
LUCIUS. There must be somebody else we can blame!
TITUS. It’s all Ambiorix’s fault!
LUCIUS. For sure!
TITUS. Yea! He shouldn’t have given us so much!
All that money, that’s what turned us evil!
Any good man would become bad for it!
LUCIUS. For sure!
TITUS. I know one thing is for certain.
I’m definitely not to blame for this.
LUCIUS. Yea me neither, I was a good person!
TITUS. Except all of those times you stole from me!
LUCIUS. That’s because you started stealing from me!
[The PRINCE sneaks out of the bush to try to escape.]
TITUS. Look! That’s him! That’s the man responsible!
MOB. Death to the money manipulators!
Death to the money manipulators!
[The MOB surrounds the PRINCE. They mount another noose and insert him into it.]
LUCIUS. Now certainly we will be let go.
TITUS. Yea!
MOB. Death to the money manipulators!
Death to the money manipulators!
PRINCE. You fools! I did this all for you! For you!
This ladder would give heaven to you all!
I was going to create a new world.
A world where everybody was the same!
Where no man was better than the other.
And you destroyed it all! For what? For what!?
And Lucius and Titus!
LUCIUS and TITUS. What did we do?
PRINCE. You two are by far the worst of them all!
A liar only makes himself look bad,
A slanderer only makes you look bad,
Save for the sloth, that makes labor look bad.
Labor’s a wonder I took for granted.
I admit I did not think of others,
When I was trying to think of others.
And that’s something most can appreciate.
But you are a ditch to society,
The scum of the earth that feeds off others.
Your irresponsibility and greed,
Have made you just as culpable as I,
Perhaps more, let God have mercy on you!
MOB. Death to the money manipulators!
Death to the money manipulators!
MOB [a man]. We don’t want your world!
MOB [a woman]. We just want our lives!
MOB [a man]. Kill the evildoers!
MOB [a woman]. Take back your coins!
[The MOB begins to throw coins at the three: LUCIUS, TITUS, and the PRINCE.]
MOB. Death to the money manipulators!
Death to the money manipulators!
[The lights dim where only shadows of the three can be seen. As the curtain closes choking sounds can be heard amidst the chants of the MOB.]